Shadows to Sunlight

Hello there. I am Christine.

While many know me as an accomplished writer, it's the unseen chapters of my story that form the core of this narrative. In my professional sphere, I breathe life into countless stories, expertly capturing and echoing the voices of others. My talent lies in my ability to mimic, ensuring that these stories find their rightful resonance in imaginative, effective, and compelling ways.

When it comes to sharing my own stories, blank pages are often riddled with shadows. The fear of revealing too much, of betraying family secrets, or - even more disconcerting - embarrassing those closest to me with stark, naked revelations from my lived experiences, often hold me back. The weight of a rich, complex inheritance has always loomed large, making me second-guess my every word, anxious that I might inadvertently bear false witness to a history so intertwined with my being.

Yet, here I am, standing on the precipice of a new book (not just a chapter). "Saints and Cigarettes" is both an exploration of my origin stories and my rebirth. This blog is my endeavour to navigate through the wine-dark seas of memory, faith, and existential discovery, sharing with you not just the stories of my family, but also stories of my personal transformation.

So, why am I writing now? The answer is woven through recent events in my life. With the finality of divorce, I've reclaimed my maiden name—a name that resonates with history, culture, and my very identity. The heartbreak and betrayal that came with the end of a two-decade-long marriage threatened to shatter my spirit. Yet, as cliché as it sounds, the finality of divorce, also heralded an unexpected dawn. Emerging from the shadows, I found that, for years, I'd lost something integral—my voice.

The past summer magnified this realization as I journeyed back to my ancestral home. Surrounded by the timeless beauty and the shades of never-ending blue, I had many moments of profound clarity. Over the span of a glorious month, I reconciled with the woman I once was, and celebrated the woman I am now. Embracing my middle-aged femininity and newfound freedom, I felt a sense of joy and awe that eluded me for years. Using my rediscovered voice and freedom, I hope to share key moments of my past, present, and, through this synthesis, this exploration, discover what the future holds.

I spent a lot of time in therapy, exploring my origin stories. And so, it seems fitting to begin “Saints and Cigarettes” delving into the stories of my parents, Nicolas and Evangelia. Named after St. Nicolas, the patron saint of sailors in the Greek Orthodox faith, my father was always the anchor, keeping us grounded amidst life's stormy seas. His namesake, St. Nicolas, is a beacon of hope for countless seafarers who navigate the unpredictable oceans - much like how my father, Nicolas, steered our family through life's unpredictable tides.

Then there's my mother, Evangelia. Drawing her name from the Annunciation – a proclamation of hope, a message from the heavens. Evangelia was the wind beneath our wings, inspiring us to dream, explore, and find solace in the vast expanse of possibility. Together, they symbolized the sacred bond between the terrestrial and celestial – and they are the best places to begin sharing my exploration of what it means to be me, a middle-aged Greek Canadian woman.

The 1950s saw my parents' brave voyage from the sun-drenched, yet civil war-torn lands of Greece to the eclectic embrace of Vancouver, Canada. More than a geographical shift, it was a leap across cultures, ideologies, and dreams. Their stories of leaving the (dis)comforts of Greece to embrace the unknowns of Canada are significant, yet untold, and unexplored chapters in our familial narrative.

Brené Brown, in her “Atlas of the Heart”, speaks of the “places we go when it's beyond us.” These places are the realms we traverse when life becomes too overwhelming, spaces where wonder meets religion, and curiosity beckons the unknown. Growing up in Vancouver, deeply embedded in my Greek heritage, was a delicate, yet intricate, dance.

It's like comparing young Elvis' thrusting hips and curled lips against the soulful aria of Maria Callas. These were two of the many discordant, yet ever-competing sounds in my household. Add in a handful of "Kyrie Eleisons" from our weekly Sunday Liturgy and other ecclesiastical outings, and you begin to see the vivid scenes of our home come to life. Always, a dance between the tales of Greece and the ethos of Canada, a juxtaposition of the secular and the spiritual, the visible and the invisible.

With "Saints and Cigarettes", I invite you on this voyage with me. We'll navigate this cosmic dance of life together, exploring realms of wonder, faith, and the myriad emotions that make us profoundly human. Together, we will set sail through my memories, beliefs, and discoveries, sharing tales of two worlds and reflecting on the ever evolving, and to borrow from Brené Brown, “atlas of the human heart.”